Just some things on my heart I thought I would share

So this blog post is the result of reading another blog post and the funny progression of thoughts it lead to which ends with me blogging since I guess its what the cool people do, and I want to be cool too : ) Of course, its not actually a blog but a facebook note I put in blog form just in case someday, I feel like writing again! So my "uncool" status remains intact.
It started with the innocent reading of an excellent post about church and our need for it. Honest, real, true and well written. I re-read it a few times to really commit it to my heart, THEN I decided to check out the personal blog of the author. GREAT blog. Wisdom, truth, funny. The author is a young woman like me, a mom enjoying her firstborn son who is 4 months, just a couple weeks older than my 3rd son. This woman seeks after God, is very passionate and has a lot of neat interests! Here is the tricky part. Here is where a strange progression began. A progression that so easily ensnares me and I would venture to say ensnares many of us. You see, as I began reading the fantastic words of this sister in Christ, I stopped listening and started comparing. Instead of the truth, encouragements and blessings of the words, I saw: "hiking" "running" "camping" "reading" "writing" "baking" "surfing" 'only gained 30 pounds while pregnant (say wha...t!) and on the list goes. This woman is in no way trying to brag, just speaking honestly and openly about her life but my mind wanted so badly to wander to a place filled with negative thoughts about myself and how I am dumb and never studied philosophy. Um, I barely finished high school! And now the poor grammar, spelling and punctuation is making more sense isn't it? And its in no way a 'dis' (pardon the slang) on my faithful homeschooling mama, I just put a lot more time and effort into babysitting then lessons. Simple as that, I take full responsibility! But back to my point! I thought about how boring my interests are. Make that 1 interest...I kinda like to decorate cookies! I USED to be an exercise freak but settle now for a 20-40 minute rush-through-what-I can-kind of routine that suits this season I am in. I weigh 30 pounds more than I should and my baby is over 3 months old. I am not the smartest, not the funniest, not the best dressed, not the most interesting, or the most organized the most spiritual or wise. Again, the list goes on, I am simply simple 'ol me. I struggle daily with the enormous responsibilities to be faithful in raising my 3 beautiful boys in a Godly biblical way. I fail daily at what sometimes feels like EVERYTHING! I let my kids eat on the couch while watching a movie, I eat chocolate for lunch instead of the salad I should have eaten, I give in to laziness instead of discipline at times, Sometimes I wish I could afford to send my kids away for someone else to play with and teach for a while so I can rest which translated means lay on the couch in sweats and watch episode after episode of Gilmore girls and eating nothing but ice cream and jerky all day which, admittedly, I have done (my special interest haha) AND my 4 year old still sleeps in bed with us! I am stupid about fashion and hate that I cut my hair and it makes me feel ugly and I daily fight the urge to go on a crazy shopping splurge settling instead on some new toy from "buy sell trade" or raiding Dollar tree for nick nacks that fill my cart. I have also been known to throw my hands in the air and eat out for an entire week because I am downright sick of meal planning and grocery shopping and COOKING! Especially on a budget and special diet plan (And picky children) And now, before I admit anything else about myself and shame myself for all eternity, I will move on.

You know what? Those failings, that weakness, those insecurities are exactly what God uses and has used in my life to bring me to rock bottom to a place where I depend 100% on HIM! Where I cry out on my knees in desperation, " I can't do this! HELP!" I have been struggling the most recently with settling on some specific structures for raising my kids...OVERWHELMING! But God gave me this verse "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 I knew immediately I had to drop everything and focus on one thing. Spending time with the Lord in His word and in prayer. "But when can I meet with you Lord? When can I hear you? I have three babies who keep me awake at night and running all day long, I am sleep deprived, stressed, foggy." You know what answer I got? "My Grace is sufficient for you. Not sleep or time or clear brain but my Grace" You know what else He said? "Wake up EARLY. *gasp* "But LORD! How can I? Don't you see how my kids are already up by 6am and I am so tired I could barf? Ok Lord, I trust you." 5am I am up, 5:10 my kids are up. That was a discouraging bust. The next day I sleep in. The next? I am wide awake at 3am convicted to get up. "But 3am is ABSURD! Just one more hour Lord" I slept in again. "Ok wake me again tomorrow morning and I promise I will get up" 4am, I get up. GUYS! I have been up at FOUR AM the past 3 mornings and I have enjoyed time with the Lord I can only remember from years ago! It is SWEETER than I remember! God's word is LIFE! I am not always very good at demonstrating passion outwardly in public, in front of others, its something I pray the Lord change in me, but I can write with PASSION! I am so so very very BLESSED by our awesome, magnanimous (Homeschool word) GOOD GOOD God who KNOWS me! He CARES for me and the details of my life! And its ME! Me and my weaknesses! ME who's 4 year old still sleeps in bed with her probably because of some show I let him watch. ME! And you know what else? He is bringing answers. Of course the whole world and all its problems have not been solved in the 3 mornings I have risen to meet with my Lord but I have joy. Joy my kids see because I am filled with inspiration to tickle them instead of rolling my eyes and acting like a martyr. I have more courage that God is going to carry me through difficult days and tough decisions with His wisdom. The list goes on and on. Being filled to the brim with the Holy Spirit and His power is more freeing and satisfying then any bar of chocolate (Though chocolate is still amazing!) He is faithful to His promises to give wisdom and peace that transcends all understanding and its because of the Holy Spirit and His work that I want to LOVE my sisters in Christ (and brothers too!) To LOVE and not compare! To encourage in and be blessed by the unique way God has gifted them. Rejoice when they rejoice and mourn when they mourn and respect each in a manner worthy of the image we each bear, the image of God Himself as we are learning about in ladies study. I for one know I need to be challenged by those who are thriving. It challenges me not to settle for good when I can strive for the best!

I think this ties in with what Steve taught about last week or maybe it was the week before on Matthew 12 part three of De-Church, about living in unity with each other. Practicing those gifts God gave us and not being jealous of someone else gift or thinking higher then we ought of ourselves. If you missed it, Listen to it. The whole series really! All the teachings are on the website: www.creeksidemac.com

I am not eloquent or a person of many words. I felt inspired and I am home alone with a sleeping sick infant while the rest of my family is at church and the words just sort of lept onto the page. I just pray and trust that this will bless or encourage someone, whomever the Lord had in mind when He inspired the words. I encourage you to not dwell on comparisons. I have been in the place where I have let that insecurity breed bitterness in my heart and I became a very ugly person inside and unkind and downright mean to others which leaves a lasting mark and risks unhealed and damaged relationships.  Jealousy and envy are a cancer to our unity in the body! I am going to continue by Gods Grace to rise early with Him and enjoy that sweet time of fellowship with Him and I encourage you to do the same because the answers YOU are looking for and the comfort or peace or whatever you are seeking rest in Him and He is faithful to meet us where we are at when we surrender all and just lay at the foot of the cross in humility and let Him work...even if you have to rise at 4am!

Oh, and I feel I should mention 2 things: 1. The author of the blog gave me permission to post about it, lol and 2. A very real blessing that has come from my quiet time with the Lord BESIDES an new overwhelming love for Him! Is that now, I end my day feeling like it went much more 'right' then ending in utter failure. He really does give us the strength and ability to obey all he asks of us in his word which humanly is impossible but with Christs power is absolutely possible!! Which begs me to also mention that part of why the day goes more "right" is that the Lord is revealing things I was expecting of myself He simply was not expecting of me. I could probably write a whole new post about all He is teaching me through this journey of mothering 3 little boys but we'll leave that to the Holy Spirit opening another bracket of time and giving me words.

Ok, Done for now and not a moment too soon! the family just got home!!